It’s been just about a year since I last wrote on this blog and have been feeling so many different emotions lately that I feel like writing them down and sharing them might be a cheap form of therapy. This post was written with a lot more emotion than with logic so I apologize for any mistakes or things that may not make sense.
As the race gets closer this year I’ve found myself getting more and more anxious even to the point that I am unable sleep and avoid the subject of the marathon as much as possible.Today I had a small break down facing the feelings that I have ignored with the realization that it was a year ago that I was stuck on the streets of Boston feeling scared and alone. Not any kind of alone I have ever felt before. Slightly delirious from the 26 miles I had just ran, my body setting into shock, and knowing I was in Boston with no idea where I was, where I was suppose to go or if those waiting for me were even alive. I have repeated my story so many times but there has been very little thought behind what I was explaining. It was a story, just like those that you read on the internet, they are heartbreaking but don’t feel real. I have given the events that happened on 4/15/2013 very little thought and made sure that no emotion would get mixed up with the story until this last week. That day that happened a year ago has haunted me every minute of every day. All the emotions and feelings that I have so well avoided have flooded back in attempts to not be ignored anymore. I feel ridiculous for feeling any of this, I can’t count how many times I heard “At least you weren’t at the finish line.” I was close to the finish line but was lucky enough for a leg cramp that slowed me down. I heard the bombs but I was fortunate enough to not see anything. I walked away with no harm to me or anyone that I knew. Now I feel guilty because I wasn’t at the finish line and I still feel so much emotion and anxiety about going back. As ridiculous as these feelings are they are making me second guess my choice in going back not because of the fear of what might happen but because I will need to fully face and overcome what has happened to me. I will need to re-live that day with full awareness of what was happening on that day I was stopped just shy of .25 miles from the finish line and stuck on the streets of Boston alone. Of the realization that those leg cramps were a blessing in disguise. And most of all that I am lucky enough to go back and finally complete my dream of running the Boston Marathon knowing that there are so many innocent people who had dreams taken away from them that day because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Even with these overwhelming thoughts I am excited to finish what I started a year ago along with so many others proving that evil can’t stop good things from happening.